The Gap and The Gain

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WAYNE RIVERS: Hi everyone. This is Wayne Rivers at Performance Construction Advisors where We Build Better Contractors.

This week I want to talk about two books, The Gap, and a follow-up book, The Gain. The Gap, Dan Sullivan, way back when, 1994 I think is when he introduced this concept. And then Dr. Benjamin Hardy, who is a Dan Sullivan acolyte, wrote this book and I think this is a new one. Actually, it came from a member, Tye Habel from TC Glass in Montana recommended this book. I immediately bought it. Thank you, Tye, and love it.

So Dr. Hardy says that only 14% of Americans say they're very happy. Why? Well, high achievers are especially prone because their expectations are always so high. He said that CEOs are actually two times more likely to suffer from depression than the average person. Why is that? Well, part of that is the gap.

What's the gap? I'll tell you Dan Sullivan's definition here in a second. But if you think about actual, think about where you are right now. That is today's reality. That is your actual. That's actual one. Okay. Now at the end of this year, you're going to be in the same situation. It's going to be your new normal, but let's call that actual two. When high achievers think about actual one versus actual two, they don't measure the progress from one to two. What they measure so often is if we could have just landed that one more big job that we expected, they're always thinking about the ideal, not actual accomplishments from actual one to actual two. They're thinking in their minds about the ideal.

I remember talking to my father-in-law way back when and I had an ambitious income goal for that particular year. It was 1990 something. I didn't make it. I was close, but let's say I was 93% of the goal. I should have been laughing all the way to the bank, but I wasn't. I was consumed with the fact ... I felt like a failure because I didn't measure my progress from actual one to actual two. I was looking at that little gulf, that jump from here to there that I had failed to achieve. So I didn't hit my goal. 93% of it was pretty good, but because I didn't get 100% of it or 110% of it, I felt like a failure. And that's foolish. In a sense, that's just foolish.

So if you think about the ideal, it's like the horizon. I can stand on the dock at our place at the beach and look out into the Pamlico Sound and the distance is great enough where the curve of the earth makes the horizon disappear. Now, if I got in a boat and I drove towards the Pamlico Sound, that phenomenon would continue. You never can get to the horizon. The horizon is always distant. It's ever moving. And that's the same thing with the ideal.

So Dan Sullivan's words, "People who measure their actual two, where you actually end up at the end of this year or end of some other period against the ideal have a perpetual sense of failure. This is accompanied by a sense of frustration. Every time they set a goal, they expect to reach the ideal, the horizon. And these desires and aspirations are always frustrated." You're never going to reach that horizon.

Some of you, we have some amazingly successful members. Some of you maybe have reached your ideal, congratulations. But for those of us that find ourselves from time to time coming up short, the real measurement is backwards. Actual two to actual one. What did I actually accomplish?

The trick, according to Benjamin Hardy, is to always measure backwards. And the way he says it, he gives the example of Trevor Lawrence. I don't follow pro sports as much as I used to, but apparently he's a big deal. He was going to be the number one draft pick in the NFL draft and he sat down for an interview with Sports Illustrated and he said he didn't need football to feel worthy as a person and there's more to life than football. Well, the sports world went berserk because especially in football, the coaches have to work 120 hours a week and they expect the players to live and breathe and eat football. And here's Trevor Lawrence committing the ultimate sports sin. He says, "I don't need football."

He said further, because this created such a firestorm, he went on ESPN and he said, "I don't feel like I have anything to prove because that's not how I operate. I'm internally motivated. I've got goals, aspirations, and dreams to be the best I can be. It's really just a love of the game, but I don't put my whole worth in football. If football went away, I'd find something else to do and be good at it and still enjoy my life. Footballs where my heart is. It's been my dream forever and I believe no one works harder than me, but I think you can have both. I think I can have a life outside of football and a life inside of football."

And naturally, this was quite controversial. I remember this intensity that's expected from high achieving contractors, football players, anybody who's at the top of their game. I remember one time hearing about Tony Robbins and I think I've mentioned Tony Robins before, but he had this idea that you needed intensity at times, but you could still be a happy achiever. And I think that's what Trevor Lawrence is talking about. He's saying, "Yeah, yeah, I'm going to devote the proper resources to football, but when I'm not pursuing football, when I'm with my family or I'm on a vacation or whatever, then I'm going to be at those times a happy achiever."

Hardy talks about obsessive passion, which is the slam your head into the brick wall a hundred times until you burst through it versus harmonious passion, which is what Lawrence is talking about here. He can be in harmony with his environment, still be passionate about his sport, but also understand there are other things to life than, in this case, football. Hardy says that you need to train your brain to see the actual gains, the actual one versus actual two. When you get to actual two, you've got to train your brain to look back and measure again backward. Okay.

Then finally, one more piece from Dr. Hardy. Research shows that optimistic people often live 10 years longer than pessimistic people. Famous study, I think I've mentioned this before. 180 Catholic nuns from the school sisters of Notre Dame. This was in 1917. A study began in 1917. When they became nuns, they were asked to write autobiographal journal entries. More than five decades later, researchers coded the entries for positive emotional content. They were wondering if positivity as a 20-year old could predict how a person's life turned out and how long they lived. By age 85, so the nuns originally were young people in their 20s, by age 85, 90% of the happiest group of nuns were still alive compared to only 34% of the less happy nuns.

Unhappy employees, shifting gears a bit, unhappy employees take on average 15 extra sick days per year. In another study, subjects were first assessed on their happiness levels, then injected with a strain of cold virus. One week later, those who were happier at the beginning of the study had fought off the virus better than the less happy people. They felt better and had fewer objective symptoms, meaning less sneezing, coughing, inflammation, and congestion.

Happiness, this harmonious passion leading to happiness and balance in life, something we talk about all the time with our members is a real thing. Hardy says, "As humans learn, we quickly adapt to the new normal, normal one versus normal two." And he refers to it as automaticity? I don't know how he ... Not the easiest word.

So three tips from Dr. Hardy. Number one, always measure backward. Actual two, back to actual one. Look at your real progress, not comparing it to the ideal. Number two, love this. Every day, every day. At the beginning of the day, ideally, but sometime during day, write down three things that you're grateful for. Also, another Dr. Hardy idea, which I just adore. Write down three wins of the day. Got a new project, did a topping out, did this, did that, whatever. Write down three wins every day. And what you'll see as you look back over a period of, say, the last 13 weeks is you're winning all the time. You're always making ... We look at life and at age 65 versus age 30, I look back and boy, big difference. But it wasn't one big thing that just catapulted us to where we are now. It was a series of little wins, little incremental wins every day, every week, every month. They get you there. They're baby steps. And that's what makes a difference in a life well-lived or a career well-lived than someone who's looking at the ideal and thinking about, "Boy, I took a lot of baby steps, but I never made the giant leap."

And the third thing is logging the win. Sorry, I completed two and three. He even talks about ... I think Dan Sullivan started this, or maybe it was Dr. Hardy. There's an app called Winstreak, W-I-N-S-T-R-E-A-K, Winstreak. You can download it to your phone and it'll prompt you to log your wins every day. Why not? Why not make it easy? Automate it. There's an app for everything now and that's one way to do it. I'm old school, still like to write it down so I can go back and see it easily, but there it is. They've made it through technology so easy to track your wins. So I love the three suggestions. I love everything from Dan Sullivan and Dr. Hardy's book, again, Thank you, Tye, it's a great one. I recommend it.

This is Wayne Rivers. Let me know what you think. [email protected]. This is Wayne Rivers at PCA where We Build Better Contractors.

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